I Want My Boobs Back

Needless to say, shits been pretty wild in the newbie Mom world. I haven't had energy to write in over a month... sheesh.

Our 4 month sleepless "Wonder Week" turned into a Wonder Month and merged seamlessly into the 6 month "growth spurt", which is where we are now. Jonah is back to feeding every 1.5 to 2 hours in addition to 3 solid meals a day. Kid sure likes to eat!

Introducing solids has been stressful, more so than labour, breastfeeding, and sleep combined. I think it's because I've been suckered into all the "breast is best" propaganda, and of course in Canada babies aren't supposed to start solids until 6 months. I've been afraid to feed him, terrified I'm going to hurt him, give him allergies, give him eczema, or make his stomach explode. So at 5 months when Jonah was screaming through his naps, my Mom said what her Mom said to her when my brother did exacly the same thing around the same time:

"That baby is hungry..."

I approached his homemade brown rice cereal and new BPA free baby spoon with trepedation. And a little bit if shame.

I thought breast is best?

Why can't I produce enough milk?

Stoopid boobs, baby's hungry!

The truth of the matter is I have plenty of milk. I drink nurse maid fenugreek tea and chomp on oatmeal, and lactation cookies galore. I pump every night and have milk to spare. Every baby is different, and mine just wants to eat. 

Here he is on day 3 of solids, basically loosing his shit:

He does this every time a put a spoon in his mouth, that and slamming his fist on the table like some starving orphan from Oliver Twist. And although it's recommended to start with 1 or 2 tablespoons  for a few months, he ate a good half a cup each sitting within a few weeks.

We started with rice cereal. He took two poops in twelve days which SUCKED. So I gave him avocado, and am now following the vegetable schedule on this woman's awesome blog:

http://frenchfoodiebaby.blogspot.ca/p/first-vegetable-purees.html

The idea is to start with green vegetables first so that he doesn't develop too much of a sweet tooth. He's loving every bite. And poops are looking good too, albeit much stinkier.

Part of me is happy he still breast feeds so much (yah yah I know, breast is best) but part of me is beyond exhausted. At 6 months, I AM SO OVER this whole breastfeeding malarkey. I want my fucking boobs back.  And to top things off, last week he popped two front teeth.  

Chomp chomp... Eek!

Despite the fact that my generation were fully weaned on solids as early as 4 months and we all turned out just fine, the new recommendation is that breast milk is the primary source of nutrition for the first year of a baby's life. My resolve is weakening.  I've even bought a few samples of organic formula to try. If it wasn't for my sheer stubborn pride, I think I would have packed away my nursing bras and forked out for a boob job weeks ago.

So what is exactly so great about breastfeeding? I need to remind myself.

The benefits of breastfeeding extend well beyond basic nutrition. In addition to containing all the vitamins and nutrients baby needs, breast milk is packed with disease-fighting antibodies. It's also good for Mom. Breasfeeding lowers the risk of breast and ovarian cancer, and can help build a stronger bond between you and your baby.

And what sucks about formula? Well not so much. Time magazine reports in this article that sibling studies so little difference between breast fed and formula fed babies. The new research, published in the journal Social Science & Medicine, looked at longitudinal data from three separate populations: 8,237 children, 7,319 siblings and 1,773 sibling pairs where at least one child was breast-fed and at least one child was not. Researchers measured 11 outcomes previously shown to be impacted by breast-feeding: body mass index (BMI); obesity; asthma; hyperactivity; parental attachment; behavior compliance; and achievement in vocabulary, reading recognition, math ability, intelligence and scholastic competence.

When they looked at data across all families, breast-feeding had better outcomes than bottle-feeding in factors like BMI, hyperactivity, math skills, reading recognition, vocabulary word identification, digit recollection, scholastic competence and obesity. However, when the researchers looked just at the siblings who were fed differently, the benefits were not statistically significant. The exception was that breast-fed children were at higher risk for asthma, though it was unclear if those reports were self-generated or actual diagnoses.

Despite this, Multiple studies say breastfeeding is good for the development of the baby, and that it’s health protective for mothers. Just take a look at this handy table listing the nutrients in breast milk versus formula:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/feeding-eating/breastfeeding/why-breast-is-best/comparison-human-milk-and-formula

It's a no brainer to breastfeed really, given the choice.

That being said, about half the Moms I know formula feed and their kids are awesome healthy people, as are they. In fact, whole countries exclusively formula feed. France has the lowest breastfeeding rate in the western world, a statistic that doesn't look like it is going to change any time soon if its health system or its most-read feminist philosophers have anything to do with it.

Are all the kids in France crippled by allergies and low IQ's? NO. Overall, the French, along with the Italians and the Swiss, are considered among the slimmest, healthiest people in Europe. If formula feeding works for a whole nation, it really can't be so bad. Right? Right.

I will continue to breastfeed because I feel it's what's best for Jonah. Saggy tits aside, I just want to give my baby a good start in life. Eventually I know Jonah will get sick of my boobs  and I'll be sad and miss those quiet times when he sucked the life out of my poor chafed nips. Those cans of formula (which he eats as eagerly as everything else I shove in his mouth) will likely never be used other than to mix a bit with his leeks if I don't have any thawed breast milk handy. 

I'll let y'all know if I change my mind, but for now tired boobs and chafed nips are just the way the lactation cookies crumble. 

I like food food is good!

Singin' The Baby Blues

4 Months

It's Springtime in Vancouver. The cherry blossoms and magnolias are exploding, strangers are smiling in the streets instead of hiding behind umbrellas and Taiga jackets, and for the first time since Jonah was born I'm starting to feel myself again.

This winter has not been easy. Being a new Mom is difficult in ways I never expected. To top it all off, I've been struggling with what most new Moms  struggle with to some extent, exacerbated by what is traditionally the longest rainy period in Vancouver-- January to March.

I've been struggling with the baby blues.

I have a pretty serious history of clinical depression. Diagnosed when I was 16 and medicated with Zoloft (a SRI drug which doctors won't prescribe now to anyone under the age of 18),  I finally recovered in my early twenties with mucho therapy, meditation, yoga, and support from my amazing family and friends. I haven't needed SRIs since.

Depression is no joke. I'm still afraid that I'll wake up one morning struggling to find a reason to get out of bed. I was especially afraid when I found out I was pregnant.

First let's talk about how common this illness is.  Most women suffer depression after giving birth. The Canadian Mental Health association estimate that around 80% of mother's experience postpartum blues to some degree, ranging from feeling low for a few weeks, to a more prolonged depression, to full blown psychosis. No-one knows what causes it, but caregivers assert it can be caused by anything from hormonal changes, to vitamin deficiency, to sleep deprivation and emotional stress. 

In the beginning, full blown postpartum depression can look like the normal baby blues. They share many symptoms, including mood swings, crying jags, sadness, insomnia, and irritability. The difference with postpartum depression is that the symptoms last longer and are more severe, like having suicidal thoughts or feeling so low that you can't care for your newborn.

For me it crept up like a sneaky cold. One minute I'm fine, the next minute all I want to do is sleep. I dreamed about running off to Bali and joining a yoga cult in the hope that with enough sun salutations and colonics that everybody and everything would go away and my body and life would return to normal. As much as I love and am eternally grateful for my healthy beautiful son, I just couldn't muster up the joy some days.

There have been a few key issues for me:

1) Isolation. If you don't have a baby, you are probably not so interested in babies. That's OK. Before I became pregnant, I didn't give a shit about babies either.  Sometimes it takes a while to make additional baby loving friends who want to talk about fascinating things like the colour of poo for hours on end. Until that time, don't be surprised if you feel a bit foresaken. It won't last long. New Moms are like shitty ex boyfiends. They're everywhere. 

2) Loneliness. Swaying in a dark room for hours every day with a crying baby can get lonely. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

3) Grief. Now this one really surprised me.  Before I had a baby, my days were jam packed. I worked my way through two degrees, practiced yoga, meditated, rode my bike, partied, ate at fancy restaurants, traveled, and did all the other fun stuff hip kids in their early thirties do.  Once the reality of being a Mom settled in, I bloody well missed those days. It has been a grieving process to let go of the freedom I used to enjoy. In hindsight there is a real Zen to being a Mom. The monotony coupled with the overwhelming sense of love and duty can be meditative and expansive if (and it's a big if)  you stay present to the experience. Doing 'nothing' is a gift that kids do effortlessly. As adults we need to relearn how to stare with wonder at dust particles in the sunlight. It's a worthy lesson.

4) Boredom. Changing diapers, singing nursery rhymes, talking to yourself, keeping the same routine most days... it can be really fucking boring. There. I said it.

5) Guilt. Oh the guilt. I wanted this baby! He's rad and I love him, so why do I sometimes feel isolated, lonely, sad and bored? I must be a really shitty mother, right? 

Wrong.

The first three months of motherhood are some of the most wonderful times you will ever experience, but they can also be extremely TOUGH, both physically and mentally. Don't be surprised if you question everything. Who you are, what you want, why the hell you had a baby in the first place.

I wholeheartedly believe that this is part of the process. It's accepting that your life has changed in ways you never expected, and allowing yourself to let go of the things you miss. Like riding your bike in the sun with no agenda and no place to go. Like sleeping in till noon and then fucking around on the internet all day until you fall asleep again. Like drinking three cups of coffee and writing 'till the sun comes up. Like not talking to anybody for a whole day. Like getting shitfaced wasted.

Missing these things does not mean you're a bad Mom and it does not mean that you don't love your baby. It just means that you're human, and that you actually have a life to return to once your fleeting, precious baby years are over. 

This is a good thing.

After hearing other women's stories, my experience with the baby blues has been relatively mild.  I only felt bad for a few weeks. Now the difficult days come and go, but they are few and far between. I never once had the urge to throw my baby out the window, which another friend seriously told me that she'd considered. Not that she'd do it, but the urge was there and the guilt that followed. I totally get it. It's just plain luck that it never got that bad for me.

And yet it's really been a struggle to remember myself, and find the eye of the storm where I can exist as a silent, unmoving force for this not-yet-quite-human thing that relies on me and only me for everything. There is something very beautiful and surprising in this vulnerability, both for me and my baby. Together I think we've come to a quiet understanding that nothing worth having in life can be accomplished without sacrificing something else.

Surprisingly enough, seeing my son put his foot in his mouth for the first time today, and the onslaught of smiles and giggles that ensued, was well worth any perceived sacrifice I've made. I can't imagine how I'll feel when he pops his first tooth, or starts to talk. 

A hell of a lot better than getting shitface wasted that's for sure. 

Sleep: A Hero's Journey

17 Weeks


PARENTAL ADVISORY: THIS BLOG ENTRY WILL BE EXTREMELY BORING FOR ANYONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A SCREAMY TIRED BABY.

 

When I was pregnant, I read this article about a tribe in Africa who carry their young and feed them the boob close to a hundred times a day. Apparently their babies rarely cry.

My pre-Mom self liked the sound of this. We are mammals after all. Carrying our young is natural. It makes perfect sense. I wanted to be just like those Moms in Africa-- never let my baby cry, snuggle closely to it day and night, give myself completely to the sacred experience of motherhood.

Then I actually had a baby.

After 3 months of carrying and co-sleeping, rather than feeling connected to my non-crying baby I was exhausted and teary.

My baby still cried for no apparent reason.

We had no rhythm to our lives. My days and nights were dictated by the whims of a cute little screamy monkey that didn't seem to know what the fuck it wanted, especially when it came to going to bed.

The fact of the matter is that babies sleep differently than adults. Babies spend significantly more time in dream sleep than we do. This means they sleep lightly, are easily woken up, and when they do wake up they struggle to get back to sleep again.

Add to that the fact that no-one ever told them that night time is for sleeping and daytime is for playing but sometimes sleeping-- it's no wonder they're a tad confused.

Soooooo... unless you're happy with your life being chaos for a year or so, or driving your baby around in a car four times a day because it's the only place it will pass out, or sleeping with your baby until it decides to sleep elsewhere-- all great options if they work for you-- you're going to have to teach your kid how to sleep.

The upside to this is that while babies are useless at sleeping, they are also extremely smart and brave.

When I started writing this post, my baby was 15 weeks old. Barring growth spurts, he slept through the night in a crib next to the bed from 7pm to 7am with one or two wakings for feeding. He went straight back down without a fuss. During the day he had 3 naps, one long one (between 1 hour and 20 minutes and 2 hours) in the morning and one in the afternoon, and then a cat nap between 4 and 5.

It wasn't always like this. He used to wake every 3 hours, and flat out refused to nap in his crib during the day. I used to have to rock, sway, shush, pat and sing to him to get him down. It took us both a lot of time and patience to learn the ropes, but I truly believe that we are all happier and healthier because of it. Especially me.

There is no self doubt like the self doubt of a new Mom hovering over a screaming tired baby...

NIGHT TIME

Our boob juice contains hormones at night that make it easier for baby to fall asleep and stay asleep. It's therefore generally easier to teach your kid to sleep at night than it is in the day.

For the first month my baby slept in a co-sleeper bassinet in between me and my husband. It was awesome. I kept nighttime feedings and diaper changes quiet, dark and boring with the hopes that he would go back to sleep without too much fuss. It worked about 50% of the time. He was up every few hours to feed, and when he didn't go back to sleep it was scream city, with mucho white noise, swaddling and swaying to help him chill out.

At one month I put him in a crib next to my side of the bed because he was getting too big for the bassinet.  I started a bedtime routine around the same time. For us it was boob, sponge bath in dim light, pajamas, swaddle, other boob in a darkened room with white noise, bed. I did this every night at 7pm.

In the beginning, baby didn't know what the hell was going on. I'd sponge bath him, he'd be like... LET'S PARTY! Then he'd be up for another hour or so getting overtired and wired, then we'd spend a while longer in a dark room rocking and shushing him before he'd finally pass out.

I stayed consistent though, and eventually he got it. I like to think that the consistent routine, as well as sleeping so closely to us, literally inches from my face, helped him learn our circadian rhythms relatively quickly.

One night at about 10 weeks I'd been swaying in a darkened room while he screamed in my ear for 10 minutes. I was ready to throw him out the window (kidding!) so I gently placed him in the crib to give myself a break. Miraculously he became quiet and fell asleep. He's been able to fall asleep on his own (at night) ever since. We stopped swaddling at around this time because he was busting out of his sleep sack, but we still used white noise.

Around the 12 week mark he started intermittently sleeping longer spans at night on his own. I took this as a sign he was ready, and stopped feeding him between the hours of midnight and 5am(ish). The idea was to try and encourage a span of 5 hours solid sleep in the late night. If he woke up crying, rather than throwing him straight on the boob, I'd pick him up, cuddle, change diaper if necessary, rock and shush to sleep and then put him down. About 99.9% of the time he went back to bed. Within a week he just stopped waking  between those times, and he still doesn't wake unless he's having a growth spurt in which case it's booby time 24/7.

The final (ongoing) step is learning that Mom and Dad don't like waking up before 7am.

TOO EARLY BABY.

Baby has consistently kept a 4am feed, and it's been touch-and-go as to whether he'll go back to sleep until 7am. My tactic, because I'm literally too bagged to do anything else, is to lie in bed with my arm draped over the crib and hold his hand.

The hand holding works... eventually he passes out. Sometimes he'll wake up if I even slightly removed the hand, so in the beginning I'd literally held  his hand for two hours straight until it was time to get up and I could finally move my cold, numb limb. 

It took just over a week, but now I can just leave him alone to kick around for a bit and he'll go back to sleep on his own 90% of the time until 7am when he wakes up happy, kicking and smiling. 

Of course there are many babies that don't sleep through the night, and this is just fine. I have friends who travel a lot, and/ or keep late night hours themselves so late night awake time isn't a big deal. It just depends on what works for you. For me, I'm a much happier person with eight hours of sleep, and so (apparently) is my baby.

DAY TIME

Day time naps have been tough for both of us.

Baby would only ever sleep on me, or in the baby carrier. For the first 3 months this worked. After 3 months,  I just plain wanted some time to myself. He was also getting too big to settle comfortably on me or in the carrier for any length of time. This made for a cranky, overtired baby, so I decided  to start teaching him to sleep in the crib for at least 2 naps a day.

It went something like this:

• Baby starts getting ratty.

• Christina breastfeeds him in the bedroom in the dark.

• Baby guzzles down one boob and passes out.

• Christina motions to lift him up.

• As soon as Christina breathes, baby wakes up and starts screaming.

• Christina promptly shoves the other boob in his mouth.

• Baby guzzles second boob and passes out.

• Christina motions to lift him up.

• Baby stays asleep. Sweet!

• Christina holds her breath for 10 minutes while baby burps and fusses and drools on her shoulder.

• Baby stays alseep.

• Christina very carefully moves baby into the crib.

• As soon as he hits the mattress, baby wakes up and starts screaming.

• Christina spends the next half an hour shushing/ patting/ hand holding/ picking up/ putting down before she finally gives up and throws him in the carrier.

• Baby promptly passes out and sleeps, waking up crabby about half an hour later.
  

When I asked my Mom for advice on how to break this exhausting cycle, she responded by saying she wanted to do some research because her experience was a little outdated. After doing aforementioned research, her response was:

"Jesus Christ there's a hell of a lot of information on baby sleep out there."

Yup.

Here are the books I read:

The Happiest Baby on The Block

On Becoming Baby Wise

The No Cry Sleep Solution

The No Cry Nap Solution

The Baby Sleep Book

The Sleep Lady's Good Night Sleep Tight

My advice after reading all these books? Do not read all these books. They will confuse and depress you. Unless you want to be a drill sergeant, and are happy to leave your baby to cry for long periods of time, most of these won't work for you anyway. 

Why? 

Because every baby and every family are different. You've got to trust your gut and do what works for you.

My Mom gave me good advice. Pick a flexible schedule and stick to it. So that's what I did and it worked. A little structure went a long way.

Naps are always 2 hours (ish) after waking, around 9am and 130pm in the crib for at least an hour, and a shorter catnap wherever between 4-5pm before bed at 7pm.

It took baby less than a week to get it. I started putting him down after a feed and he'd basically just cry. I'd stay consistent, comfort him, put him back down again and again and eventually he went to sleep! 

At first he'd always wake up after half an hour-- the length of his sleep cycle. To help him sleep longer I would creep into the room at the 25 minute mark and watch him. When he inevitable jolted, I held his hand quickly, or put my hand on his chest. It didn't always work, but about 80% of the time he went back to sleep. 

This is where we are right now. Some days he naps 2 hours without a peep. Somedays he'll nap 30 minutes and no matter what I do he won't go back to sleep. I meet him where he's at, but stick to our routine. If he only slept 30 minutes in the morning, he'll definitely be crabby by the time 130pm rolls around, but we just get on with our day.

What I'm finding is that he now knows what to expect, and he finds it comforting. He's happier when he's awake, and even more remarkably, he falls asleep with minimal fuss day and night.

I'm still an avid baby carrier. His evening catnaps are usually on me. If we have fun stuff to do during the day, I'll switch things up and let him snooze in the carrier for half an hour, and give him a longer nap later in the day in his crib, although to be honest he never sleeps as well when I do this.

An important aside is that if you're going to teach your baby to sleep, you're going to have to get comfortable with some crying. I know many Moms that think this is not OK. They believe that if a baby is going to form a healthy attachment to it's parent, it shouldn't be left to cry. On the other side of the argument, many believe that controlled crying is the only way to teach a baby to soothe itself, which in the end is going to make it happier and more independent.

My thoughts lie somewhere in the middle. The most I can comfortably let my baby cry is 5 minutes. That's just me.

Interestingly enough he will often settle himself given a bit of time. If he cries for longer than 5 minutes, I go into the room and hold his hand, or put my hand on his chest until he settles. If this takes more than 5 minutes, or if he starts REALLY crying rather than fussing I'll pick him up. At this point he never goes back to sleep, so as I said we just get on with our day and he'll be extra tired for his next nap.

No big deal.

AS OF TODAY

We're in our 4 months wakeful period now, so everything sleepwise has gone to shit. Baby has added an extra few wakings in the night, and naps are out the window but hey ho! 

During physical and cognitive growth spurts it's REALLY important to be flexible, give your baby extra kisses and cuddles, and nurse it as much as possible for a few weeks until it settles in to its new mind and body. 

In a few weeks I'll gently reintroduce 'the routine' for napping and cut the night time feeds again. Eventually when he's ready we'll stretch the awake time between morning and afternoon naps and he'll drop the evening cat nap.

The best baby sleep site I've found thus far is this one:

http://www.thealphaparent.com/2013/01/timeline-of-baby-and-toddler-sleep.html

I like it not because it gives you handy schedules to have your baby sleeping 12 hours through the night by 12 weeks, but because it very logically breaks down where most babies are at developmentally at key stages, and allows you to form realistic goals for your little one based on his/ her age.

Another interesting read is this book:

http://www.amazon.ca/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252

Again, it doesn't offer any 'sleep solutions' but it does explain (very scientifically) exactly what is happening in your babies brain as it grows, and in turn what your baby is and isn't capable of.

The bottom line is that all things considered, it's a miracle babies sleep at all. So when you're pulling your hair out because it's 3am and your baby is ready to PARTY, just remember that your little dude/ dudette is doing just fine.  Stay consistent and eventually they will get it.

We're all heroes on this journey, especially the little people.

Vaccination Masturbation

The road to parenthood is paved with misinformation, especially when it comes to vaccinating our kids.


When I was growing up pretty much everyone was vaccinated without question, probably because our parents lived in an era when diseases like polio and whooping cough regularly killed and maimed their peers. They vaccinated their families because they understood the consequences of getting sick: friends and family kept alive on iron lungs or returning to school with their legs in braces, or never returning to school at all.

Yet many of my peers are now questioning whether or not to vaccinate, and the 'facts' supporting their choice as well as the 'facts' released by our government and health care professionals are equally as confusing.

On one hand, we know that vaccines have been effective in completely eradicating diseases like smallpox, and significantly lowering incidences of illnesses like diphtheria and polio.

This is a good thing.


On the other hand, diseases like whooping cough are making a resurgence despite aggressive vaccination campaigns. Vaccinations also contain some unusual ingredients that don't sound particularly immune-boosting:

http://www.generationrescue.org/resources/vaccination/vaccine-ingredients-and-side-effects/

Aluminium? Fetal Bovine Serum? Formaldehyde? You seriously want me to inject this shit into my 2 month old baby?!

This is not good!

The FDA and CDC of course have an answer to everything:

http://www.fda.gov/BiologicsBloodVaccines/SafetyAvailability/VaccineSafety/ucm187810.htm

http://www.cdc.gov/pertussis/about/faqs.html

Fetal Bovine Serum, for example, is used because in the manufacture of viral vaccines, the virus must be grown in cells.  These cells need a source of nutrition, which in some instances is little baby cow.


I guess it's no worse than eating a steak... for those who eat steak.

(I don't)

And to confuse the issue further, we now have the INTERNET with all its opinion blogs and pseudo-science hippy health propaganda. Take the link between vaccinations and autism for example. There are literally shit-tons of websites warning parents that vaccinating their kids increases the onset of autism. Some celebreties have even gone public claiming they will not vaccinate their kids precisely because of this perceived risk.

Gee thanks internet! How are people supposed to know what will protect their kids and what will harm them if you keep masturbating your lies all over our computers? 

The link between autism and vaccinations is bullshit and this quack doctor who made the claim lost his license to practice because he was a meathead.


The bottom line is that if you want to believe that the pharmas are paying off the government to mass vaccinate the population not to control nasty diseases but to make money, and that vaccines pose a risk to our children, you could very well be right. In fact, I think you probably are.

BUT, and this is a big but-- many vaccines work most of the time.

I don't know this because I'm a doctor, or because I've scoured the library for statistics. I know this because I've talked to my older peers and relatives about the diseases their generation suffered, and I've talked to good friends who have worked oversees and seen first hand how vaccination programs have helped to ease a tremendous amount of unnecessary suffering in developing countries.

More to the point, who do you know who's ever had Whooping Cough? Polio? Rubella? How about autism for that matter?!

EXACTLY. 


There's naturally going to be a risk when we start messing with nature, but the chances of vaccines harming kids are negligible compared to the harm these diseases will cause if enough people stop vaccinating.

For example, if I don’t eat a corn chip at my local taqueria because I have doubts about the lack of research on GMOs, I’m not going to put my dining companions at risk by passing on the nachos. But if I decide not to vaccinate my kid, I make him a potential carrier. He may be able to fight off measles, mumps, rubella, and other illnesses — but what if he spreads a disease to somebody who, for whatever reason, isn’t so lucky?


I took Jonah in last week and he got his full round of 2 month jabs. It was the least fun thing I've ever done, and the poor little dude wasn't himself for 3-4 days but he's fine now and so am I.

I respect that parents have the right to do what they please when in comes to their kids, but for the sake of my child, please take the smaller risk and vaccinate yours.

And if you're thinking of not doing it, watch this video and then tell me you still think it's a bad idea:
 

Huzzah!

Babies Are Useless- A Survival Guide

5 Weeks

I'm not going to lie to you.

Babies are useless.

They can't see. They can't move around or feed themselves.  They can't calm themselves. They can't even put themselves to sleep. Their nervous and digestive systems are wholly unprepared for the demands of the outside world.  They need at least 3 more months in utero to develop properly, but the problem is that human brains -- and therefore human heads-- are so big that they wouldn't be able to squeeze out of their mother's pelvis if they were born any later. So out they must come at 9 months, ready or not, our little bundles of joy-- fetuses in baby's clothing.

What does this mean for us newbie first time moms? Well, for me it means that thus far my son has been TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. And who can blame him? He's spent 40 weeks in the womb having his every need attended to. He never knew hunger, was always rocked, and could always hear mama’s heartbeat. Now he has to suck milk out of a scary pink nipple and hang out all day and night with a tired looking woman who needs a haircut.

But take heart newbie moms! I've thrown together a survival guide that have made the past 5 weeks of mayhem bearable, dare I say even enjoyable. And remember, this is a short and precious period. No matter how chaotic and crazy your days and nights have become, it won't last forever.

So...

WHATEVER YOU DO:

1) Strap It On.
There is a reason why your baby screams bloody murder every time you try to put him in a crib, by himself, on his back, in a room down the hall. This is the most unnatural state imaginable for a newborn. Sure it may be inconvenient to lug my baby around like a sack of potatoes all day, but he's sure happier when I do. I have two baby carriers that are worth their weight in gold, a Beco Gemini and a Buddha Baby wrap. Not only do they allow me to walk around 'hands free' and do exciting things like brush my teeth during the day, they also calm my baby down by making him feel all snug and safe, just like he's in the womb. 

2) Slap On Some Nipple Butter.
Or as my husband likes to call it, "Titty Cream". Your boobs will be ravaged if you're breastfeeding. A buddy of mine gave me a jar of this stuff and my nipples are in fine shape. Thanks Lyndsey! My sweet titties salute you.

3) Feed Your Baby Biogaia.
At about 2 weeks my baby started behaving like this guy: 

Nothing I could do would help. My midwife recommended probiotic drops to help balance out his intestinal flora and chill out his digestive system. It's made a huge difference. At $35 a pop it is very expensive but worth every penny. Here's some recent research explaining why it works. Get some!

4) Buy a Crib That Rocks.
And by rock I don't mean in the John Bonham way, I mean in the sway-back-and-forth kind of way. I ordered this crib online. We keep in next to my side of the bed so that when baby fusses at night, all I have to do is reach a lazy hand over and and give the crib a push, and voila! He's lulled back to sleep.

5) Get a Breastfeeding App.
It's important to keep track of which boob you feed on to make sure you don't end up with lopsided Frankentits. There are shitloads of breastfeeding apps available for i-phones. As I haven't known what day or time it is since Jonah was born, the app helps me keep track, not only of which side I fed on, but also how long baby fed and at what time. It also keeps track of naptimes and diaper changes. Exciting stuff I know.

6) Use the 5 S's.
This smart guy Dr Karp has figured out 5 ways to calm your devil babies down by imitating conditions in the womb:

    • Swaddling: Tight swaddling provides the continuous touching and support your baby is used to experiencing within the womb.

    • Side/stomach position: The infant is placed on their left side to assist in digestion, or on their stomach to provide reassuring support.

    • Shushing sounds: These imitate the continual whooshing sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb.

    • Swinging: Newborns are used to the swinging motions within their mother’s womb, so entering the gravity driven world of the outside is like a sailor adapting to land after nine months at sea.

    • Sucking: “Sucking has its effects deep within the nervous system,” notes Karp, “and triggers the calming reflex and releases natural chemicals within the brain.” 

His book "The Happiest Baby on the Block" goes into more detail. While I don't agree with everything he says, a couple of Dr Karp's techniques sure helped us get through some crazy nights.  

7) Exercise.

Health permitting, exercise postpartum can help wrangle in your raging hormones, help you feel a little less like a blob of tired milk laden jello, and fend off the baby blues. You don't need to go crazy-- all I did was walk and yoga almost every day. I felt great in no time, despite feeling like I'd run a triathlon and been hit by a truck simultaneously in the first few days after giving birth.

8) Laugh.

Trying to calm a screaming baby can make you want to flush your head down the toilet, but don't loose your sense of humour! The second night we had our baby he projectile vomited into my husband's mouth. Last night I woke my husband up with an impressive stream of breast milk in the eye. If you don't laugh about these things, you'll cry. Baby does enough of that for everyone so we might as well keep laughing, right?

9) Get the Hell Away From Your Baby.

It's OK to want to get the hell away from your baby. It doesn't mean you love it, it just means that there is more to life than baby gazing, diaper changing, and breastfeeding. I'm not afraid to say that once the initial rush of childbirth wore off (sometime around 2-3 weeks) I felt trapped and a wee bit resentful. After talking to other moms, I found out this was normal. Sometimes the best thing you can do is get out for a few hours. Go do some yoga. Get a massage. Drink a pint of beer. Talk to your single, childless girlfriends about the latest guy they boned. All of these things made coming home to baby all the more magic. I mean look at this guy:

#likeaboss

Seriously!

 

10) Keep the Faith.

As much as it feels like you're screwing up your baby most days, and that you're the most useless mother in the word, you're not. Women have been raising babies for a very, very long time without the help of swings, carriers, Dr Karps, or rocking cribs and the human race has procreated just fine. You know exactly what you're doing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And no matter how many nights you stay up rocking and shushing your wild boobie-bear to sleep, rest assured that there is a real human being in there waiting for you to show it the ways of the world. Birth is a difficult transition for everyone, especially baby. Understanding this helped me have all the more empathy for my little dude's erratic and exhausting behavior. 

Finally I'd like to share that my baby smiled at me for the first time today. It was a real, honest-to-goodness happy to see me smile. It was the first time I've seen the person behind the wild animal, if that makes sense. Babies are so floppy, and screamy, and drooly, and... well.. useless that it's easy for forget that there's a real human being behind those puffy eyes. It made me glad that I've survived the past month (which, indecently, many moms tell me is the most difficult month there is)and also real excited to get to know the person behind the boobie-bear. He's in there! He has the handsomest smile I've ever seen.

So feel free to share your newborn tips and tricks in the comments section below. We need all the help we can get...

I Am Boob

2 Weeks Old

Yep, it's been a few weeks since I wrote anything because I had a baby. That's right! Jonah Frank arrived December 16th, 8lbs 2oz. Here he is...

I know everyone is expecting a birth story, but instead of regaling you with the gory details I'm going to tell you the shit I wish people had told me, not just about labour but also about the weeks to follow because man-o-man it was nothing like I expected.

1) It Hurts So Good

I had a midwife assisted home birth so I did not have access to the bevvy of pain control medication available at conventional hospitals. I had a heating pad, a TENS Machine, and my own brute stubbornness. That's it.

And let me tell you... it totally sucked.

I say this not to scare anyone, or to make myself seem enviably tough. I say this because no one told me how much the pain really sucked. People said it hurt, or didn't say much at all, but no-one ever told me that it would hurt in the same way forcing a large, hard grapefruit through my perineum for 36 hours would hurt. And I wish someone had told me. Why? Because while it hurt like hell, the pain was totally normal, and more to the point-- the most important point of all-- totally doable. 

Labour hurts. Even with an epidural it can still hurt. It has to, because in order for the cervix to open and the baby to get pushed through the pelvis the muscles need to contract. This was the biggest headfuck of all: on one hand I wanted the pain to stop, but if the pain stopped my labour would cease to progress. So (with the gentle encouragement of my doula) I had to embrace the pain to keep things moving, will it to be so like some sadomasochistic wild women, and most importantly, trust that I could handle it.

And this, friends, is the most notable detail of all because as much as childbirth was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, I did it. And if I can do it, anyone can do it. Trust me.

So am I glad I squeezed my baby out the old fashioned way? 

Yes. 

While it was the most difficult thing I have ever done, it's also the most amazing and empowering thing I have ever done. The pleasure and awe I felt when the midwife passed my baby through my legs was unparalleled, and absolutely made the previous 36 hours worth every sucky second. I have never felt so alive and complete. I gave birth the way I wanted to on all fours in my own bed. I listened to the music I wanted to when I wanted to. I lit candles. I ate and drank when I wanted to. I took it one vagina splitting contraction at a time. I breathed, I moaned, and I repeated the same mantras over and over again...

I can do this.

I got this.

Oooooopen open open open open open...

So would I want to do it again?

Hell no.

If there is a next time, I'm getting a surrogate.

3) Patience is a Virtue

Did I mention my labour lasted thity six hours. THIRTY SIX HOURS. After twelve hours the midwife arrived to check my cervix only to tell me I was one centimeter dilated. You need to be ten centimeters dilated to deliver your baby. My words exactly:

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Labour can take some time ladies. Not for everyone, but for most women the body (and I'd argue spirit) needs time to open naturally and there 'aint shit you can do to hurry it up without pharmaceutical intervention, and even with pharmaceutical intervention it can still take a long time.

I really really wish someone had told me this because I seriously thought there was something wrong. If I knew my baby could take another day and a half to arrive, I would have popped that Gravol and Tylenol and tried to get some sleep, which indecently is OK in early labour, especially if you need some rest.

2)  The Cheering Squad

For God-sakes if you're going to have a baby, do yourself a favour and get a good doula and an experienced midwife. An amazing husband/ partner is also an asset if you're lucky enough to have one hanging around.

My cheering squad mopped my brow. They brought me buckets to puke in. My doula slept beside me on the floor on a rug (yes a rug!) as I groaned for endless hours on the couch. She sent my husband to bed when he was passing out on my yoga ball. She brought me cucumbers, and peanut butter on toast in bed after Jonah was born. 

Most importantly, when I wanted to give up (which was frequently) my cheering squad told me again and again that I could do this, and they really believed it. Eventually I started to believe it too.

3) Push it... Push it Real Good!

Every woman's experience is different, but I was most anxious about the final phase of labour: pushing.

I know women who have had two dozen stitches after episiotomies, who spent close to six hours pushing only to have forcep or suction interventions (and subsequent tearing) because the baby became distressed. I also couldn't mentally picture how something as big as a baby could fit out of something as small and dainty as my vagina, so you can understand my anxiety.

To my pleasant surprise, the pushing was the best part of labour. After thirty five and a half hours of  having no choice but to 'deal' with my contractions, I could finally do something about it. I was ready to party. 

I told my midwife I was afraid to tear. She held a warm cloth on my perineum and we took our time-- we eased the baby's head out little by little, and then I relaxed to gently stretch my skin. This was surprising easy to do with control because I was stone cold sober and could feel every inch my baby moved. Pretty cool!

I thought of an anecdote my friend told me about a woman's vagina's ability to stretch. She said that if a man's penis can stretch from one inch to eight (or more... ahem!) when he had an erection, why can't a woman's vagina do the same? Sound thinking I say! 

So I pushed and relaxed and visualized myself getting HUGE, and in half an hour Jonah slid out like a slippery fish. It honestly didn't hurt that much at all.

So if, like me, you're anxious... be not afraid! One way or the other baby will come out, and if like me you need a stitch afterwards you won't feel a damn thing. You'll be so high on baby love you won't give a shit what's going on down there.

So push it! Push it real good!

4) I Am Boob

Breastfeeding is a full time job. Seriously. It's exhausting. Jonah fed every one and a half to two hours for the first few weeks. Now he averages every two to three hours, give or take a few cluster feeds here and there. I walk around the house with my  boob hanging out because it just doesn't seem worth the effort to put it away. 

My husband is delighted, but I get tired and cranky and feel like milk truck most days. I totally get why some moms choose to formula feed. Although I never would, I will no longer pass judgement on those that do. Breastfeeding is tough work, but wholly worth it for the benefits to you and your baby if you can stick it out.

ALSO did you know that boob juice is good for more than just baby food? You can put it in our baby's eyes if they have blocked tear ducts, rub it on dry peeling skin, cradle cap or diaper rash. For adults it can help heal sunburns, wounds, cold sores... who knew!? 

5) Sleep is for the Weak

Babies are extremely loud sleepers. Mine sounds like a pterodactyl most nights. Nobody told me this would be the case, and I spent a good part of two weeks thinking he was dying. Between him and my husband's snoring, and waking up every 2 or so hours to feed, sleep has become a hot commodity in my life. My advice? Suck it up. Sleep is for the weak. At least this is what I tell myself when I do ridiculous things like put alfalfa sprouts in the freezer. It helps.

Of course it also helps to look after yourself and look after your partner. Some women drag their partners through the trenches to wake at every feeding and diaper change. I've decided to make sure my husband rests as much as possible at night. This means that at least one of us can get some shut eye, and has the added benefit of making him feel guilty so that he'll do anything I ask without complaining. 

It also means that when I'm at my wits end, he at least feels human enough to support me rather than breaking down with fatigue himself as I've seen many battle weary dads do.

Sleep will happen eventually. In the meantime I'm glad I spent much of my misspent youth keeping odd hours of the night. If you approach nursing your snorting infant to life with the same enthusiasm as partying until dawn, babies are non-stop good times.

I am Boob!